Sandra Hale: Self Helpless
Venue: Just the Tonic at The Caves (Venue 88)
Dates: 3rd – 26th August (not 14th)
A letter to Edinburgh
Hello my lovely Edinburgers! Is that what you are known as? Forgive my ignorance but I’m a Southern Belle from Potters Bar in Hertfordshire.
Anyway, I’m really excited to be coming to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to give the people of Edinburgh and beyond, the benefits of my pearls of wisdom and advice in my show Self Helpless! Which is on at Just the Tonic @ The Caves at 1.20pm daily. Oh yes, I have quite a lot of advice to give out, and to that end, I’ve even written a book of the same name which can be found on Amazon. When you hear what I have to say I’m sure you’ll be eager to buy it immediately and rate it 5 stars! So, thank you in advance.
So, let’s begin.
Firstly, I think you should all thank the Universe for the inclement weather you have to put up with on a daily basis. It’s doing you so much good. Whilst we in the South will look like rejects from The Land of Leather as our skin suffers from hot, sun filled days, you in Edinburgh will have that pale, soft and furry look. When I was offered a chance to come to Edinburgh for a whole month, I leapt at the opportunity to give my skin a rest.
Also, your gardens must look magnificent. No scorched lawns but lush green grass, and your vegetables! How many of you ladies have large courgettes that you are enjoying?
My second bit of advice is this. Don’t stay in Edinburgh after you’ve seen my show on my first performance date, August 3rd. Rent out your house/flat for quadruple the amount you would get normally. Believe me there are loads of comedians and actors who as I speak, are doing all manner of things to get some cash together to pay for accommodation in Edinburgh, so why shouldn’t it be you that reaps the benefit?
Go South, enjoy the sun and the wide-open spaces of Oxford Street. Oh yes, even though there are many people in Oxford Street, at least you can still move. I’ve taken 45 minutes to walk 100yds along Cowgate during the Fringe. Ok I did stop for hugs. Not intentionally you understand. I just found myself in embraces.
Finally, may I suggest that you don’t start your whisky tours so early in the morning. When I came to Edinburgh some years ago with my second ex-husband, he wanted to go on a whiskey tour. At 9.30 am! It did not bode well for the rest of the day. Yes, you make many fine whiskies. He tasted them all. But it’s not conducive for a productive day out. You want your visitors to be sober enough to spend money all over the place surely. Not just on an 18-year-old Glenmorangie. Anyway, I can report that his tastes have changed. He no longer hankers after anything aged. Myself included.
Well I could go on my lovelies, but I think I shall leave you wanting more. You do, don’t you? Hope to see some of you at The Fringe and if not, then I will assume you have taken my advice and flown South for the summer…