Cattle class with Ryanair

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Ryanair has all the charm of an old whore who charges too much. I don’t despise flying. It’s the whole system. As soon as you arrive at the airport you’re treated as a commercial puppy; either too stupid to see that the markup is so through the roof as to break a Zimbabwean bank or you’re condescended to in such a way as to make you question your own faculties at 4am.

I don’t mind flying. The accomplishment of conquering physics and having a metal tube propelled through the air is one to be praised. What I do despise is having 300+ people crammed waiting into airport lounges and charged exuberant amounts for basic items that somehow manage to be fewer in number and of even worse quality than they normally are. I’m sitting looking at a single sausage, 2 bacon rashers and some beans that were £7.99. Marxist or capitalist I can guarantee you there is no value to be found here but for the crockery yet the whole thing is advertised on posters as if I’m eating off a silver platter of righteousness bequeathed by the gods on the day of my flight.

I’m not losing my mind. Airports were recently caught red handed for dodging VAT by asking you to show your boarding pass when you purchase something. In my ignorance, I’d always assumed it was to double check  that I was who I said I was and that I wasn’t a terrorist. Thieving bastards.

As for the flight itself: head, table, bang. Between the forced smiles and the disgruntled nature of everyone who’s flying with you, it’s like being trapped in a cage. Every 25 minutes I’m disturbed by the crew flogging the dead horse of some raffle prize or offering food and drinks which are obscenely priced. I don’t mind flying cheaply, but there’s something utterly ghastly about an airline presenting itself as a premium service while being shamelessly commercial in their markups and their money-spinning ideas.

I appreciate that the plethora of teams who coordinate flying operate to some semblance of a customer relations policy. It’s a job, but Ryanair is particularly hideous because the cheap uniforms and god awful interior are all faux first class. It would literally be better to fly with an unpainted interior and the bare bones of a flight deck. It would at least be honest and passengers wouldn’t feel like jumped up little shits.

Ryanair; like so many other businesses, need to reflect on what Marcus Aurelius was trying to say: “What is this, fundamentally? What is its nature and substance, its reason for being?

In other words, don’t try and make the bullshit sweeter than it actually is.

No, before you ask, I kept all of this to myself; the journey was pleasant and I didn’t go out of my way to piss anyone off. As a declaration though I’ve been up since 3.50am and the food and flight irked me. You always see things clearer when it’s first thing in the morning. But Spain beckons! Which is always good.

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About Alastair Stewart 256 Articles
Alastair Stewart is a freelance writer and journalist. He was previously a press officer in the Scottish Parliament and worked in public affairs. He graduated from Edinburgh University with an MA in International Relations and writes regularly on politics and the arts in the Spanish and British press.

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