United States of Britain

Photograph: 'US-UK-Flags' / CC
Photograph: 'US-UK-Flags'

Hello y’all,

Now, we know that you are quite a bit older than us, but we here in America have been dealing with federalism for a lot longer than y’all over there across the pond and we thought you might want our help with this ‘more powers for Scotland’ thing.

No, no, no get out from under your desk, we’re not talking about the type of help that made Iraq the beacon of democracy it is today. No, not at all.

Why don’t we all sit down around a big table and talk about this new United States of Britain? We’re happy to help.

America: Before we begin I’d just like to get one thing straight. You’re all not English?

Wales: Knew this was a bad idea. I’m leaving…

South England: Wales, that’s Scotland’s line.

Scotland: Rub it in!

America: Now, now let’s all try to get along. We have a system of federal powers and look how well our country works. It has kept states as disparate as New York, California and Alabama together as one big happy family. Except, of course, for the fact that the Tea Party shuts down our federal government for weeks on end and that little unfortunate war we had between 1861 and 1865. But we made Gone with the Wind out of that conflict, proving you can reinvent yourself.

North England: Blimey.

South England: You know a tea party is such a lovely thing, but you have to ruin it with those people running every which way shouting about Jesus and guns and what not.

America: Love the way y’all talk over here!

South England: And what about the West Lothian question?

America: What’s that?

Scotland: What about the new powers promised to us?

America: New powers? You mean super powers? Did somebody promise Scotland super powers?

South England: Don’t be absurd. We meant new powers like devolving the regulation to punctuation in official documents to the Scottish Parliament.

Wales: Yes, why should it be an Oxford comma? Why not a Cardiff comma?

North England: Why not the Birmingham comma, mate?

Scotland: Giving super powers to Scotland? I like that idea. I think Scotland should be faster than a speeding bullet, have x-ray vision, be able to fly…

America: That would be awesome!

South England: You Americans think everything is awesome. Do you even know what the word means? It means to inspire awe, as if one were in the presence of the Almighty and should not be used to describe a sandwich.

Wales: If Scotland gets super powers, we want super powers. We want to breathe fire. Now, that would be awesome.

America: Dude, that would be so SO awesome!

Wales: We have a dragon. We should breathe fire.

Scotland: No, we want to breathe fire. We have unicorn. Nothing would be more awesome than a fire-breathing unicorn.

South England: It is beyond the remit of Westminster to give either of your mythical mascots the ability to breath fire.

Northern Ireland: We want to be invisible.

South England: Well, you pretty much are now that you’re not killing each other.

America: Hold on. We’re getting off topic. Now, the federal government in the United States…

North England: Maybe we can all be states? We want to be Las Vegas.

America: Las Vegas is a city, not a state.

South England: We want to be California.

Wales: You want to be California?

South England: Or Florida, we want more sun.

Scotland: It’s Scotland that needs the sun but Westminster won’t devolve the sun to Scotland, like we were promised. We’d have plenty of sun if we could disperse the clouds from Westminster that hang over us.

South England: We can’t do anything about your dreadful weather north of the border.

America: Now, federalism isn’t easy…

South England: Don’t you start to lecture us, colonist. You know, Scotland and I have been together since before you were a glimmer in your founding father’s treacherous little eyes.

North England: America, we’d just be happy if you kept Piers Morgan.

America: I was just trying to make the point…

Scotland: We want to be Texas…Texas was once a proud independent country before it was annexed by the US government. Plus, they have barbeque and we like those hats… and boots….

Wales: We’re Hawaii!

North England: Wales, you can’t be Hawaii, are you mad?

Scotland: Don’t mess with Texas!

North England: What happens in Liverpool stays in Liverpool.

South England: This is absurd.

Catalonia: Can we join in?

South England: You’re only welcome to watch with Quebec over in that corner. Now, onto the business of forming a federal UK by addressing the poor oppressed English people, who have to counter  Scottish MPs voting on our fine English laws.

Clacton: What’s the use? We are all going to be overrun by Bulgarians and Romanians in a few years and told what to do by Brussels.

Scotland: Who let Nigel Farage in here?

North England: If you won’t keep Piers Morgan, can you at least take Tony Blair?

South England: Well, I’d say this is going quite well.

America: Is that what they mean by British understatement?

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Stephen Sacco 7 Articles
Stephen Sacco grew up in New York and California and ​holds degrees from NYU and Columbia University. A former journalist, he writes and lives in St Andrews, where he's studying for a PhD. He is also trying to understand this strange form of football that allows you to use your feet.

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